Wasatch Woman

Out of a barren, desolate, wasteland a flower bursts through the cracked, parched, surface. This plant provides sustenance and beauty to the brave souls who choose to inhabit such a brutal environment. Such is the Sego Lily.



Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Why I am not a writer

Writing has never been my forte. I am frequently astounded by the ability of my twelve year old son to succinctly get to the gyst of an issue and be able to describe it, including emotional issues. I spent my early childhood living "children are to be seen and not heard". Whatever voice I had inside slowly abated. I related to the world visually. I could see emotions in colors. I still describe everything in colors. Yet, I could never say how I felt or even had difficulty recognizing what I felt. The very purpose of this blog is to learn how to recognize and express who I truly am.

Since my childhood, I have an increased vocabulary. I understand emotions theoretically. I frequently feel anger, joy, resentment, pride, and a host of other things. Can I say why I feel angry? What is the reason? This is incredibly difficult for me. I know I am capable of feeling. For some time, I was afraid I had sociopathic tendencies. Fear is most doubtedly my worst enemy. Fear of dying? No. Fear of heights, animals, people, or external risk taking of any form(scuba diving is the exception)? No, no, and no. Fear of not being loveable? Fear of abandonment? These are incredibly real fears for me. I was unaware of such fears for a very long time until that fear was triggered from deep inside of me. Who knew? I certainly was unaware. I had built a multitude of defenses to keep that core belief from surfacing. Now the question is, how do I overcome these fears? How do I trust what I really feel when I have betrayed myself for so many years?

My life has taken on the surreal quality of having watched a film, and then being shown around the set and  left wondering how you were able to achieve that suspension of disbelief. Plywood, 2 x 4's and paint have made up my reality. It is time for me to walk away from that set and discover what and how I can contribute to something authentic. I am tired of make believe, I don't care what Mr Rogers says!

No comments:

Post a Comment