The Lunatic Fringe

This is the title of a hair studio here in town. I love the double entendre. In Great Britain, fringe is what we yanks call bangs. This certainly describes my current state of being. I met with a therapist for the first time yesterday. Nothing like telling your life story to a complete stranger. The worst part is you skip the good stuff and head straight to the refuse. The first question my therapist posed for me was "why are you seeking counseling". That was obvious, we began the discussion of how information on human development typically stops at adulthood and that there are essentially about 25 more stages. Boy, that mid-life crisis thing is quite the boomerang. I feel like I did at 20 years old with the world before me and I simply needed to choose a path to walk down. Of course, now I am not only not blinded with optimism, rather jaded with cynicism. The path I choose affects others. I need to anticipate consequences, intended and unintended.

I felt such relief stating my conflict out loud. She shared an analogy with me that I had heard before, but never internalized. She spoke of that powerful tiger who had grown up in a cage. That tiger was perfectly content with the space and lifestyle provided, then one day, the tiger sees the cage. Now, regardless of the quality of life, even if all of the tiger's needs are being met, the tiger will no longer be satisfied to live in the cage. This is the exact issue. I see the cage. I look back on the path I have chosen. I do not know if I would choose a different path, I might consider skipping a handful of shortcuts and meanderings, but life has been good. Now, however, the cage looms large. The dissatisfaction has taken root. I stand at a different trailhead. This will not be a day hike, or for a lark. This path will take me to the end of my mortality, the final destination. Will I find enlightenment upon the summit? Will it be long and arduous or adventurous and fulfilling? How do I meet my needs without disrupting the people I love most?